The Doomsday Clock is at 85 seconds to midnight, representing a time of unprecedented danger. To put it into perspective, that's only 64 seconds from a So Solid Crew comeback.
A broken man is right twice a day.
More like the world egonomic forum, amirite?
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😂
Those who Keanu, do. Those who Keant, teach acting.
Every YouTube instruction video should have a "jump to recipe" style button, that brings you to a 100 word step-by-step written guide.
DISSTOPIA: an insufferable society where leaders spend all their time exchanging insults through the media.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
it
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe is due a reboot.
Imposing a 25% tariff on every one of my followers until ONE of you finds me a husband
Okay, but when we find you a husband, we'll impose a reciprocal wifely duty.
When I was diagnosed with synesthesia, it was music to my eyes.
You didn't believe me when I said Iran's supreme leader was deranged. Hate to say Ayatollah you so.
When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's-a-more AI
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I'm doing Cry January again this year
I'm really struggling to think of clever jokes at the moment.
I'm at my wit's end!
Hey! Turns out this new year new me has all the same problems as the old year old me...
Happy New Year - the first lie of 2026.
The end is NYE.
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Wind, obviously.
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So you can honestly describe yourself as peerless.
FIFA Hair Piece Prize
PRODUCER: We want to reboot every TV game show from the last 40 years!
ITV EXEC: That's the best idea I've ever heard! I can't think of anything that would possibly make it better.
PRODUCER: We're going to have Stephen Mulhern host them all!
ITV EXEC: OMG!!!
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It is, though, right?
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Good point!
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Decide not to marry, Gary.
Sure, you can make it look like anyone has said terrible things, if you take all the terrible things they've said, and put them together.
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Those roofers are so arrogant - always looking down on people.
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Culchies will do anything to be considered townspeople
Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give love a bad name, and also you've been found guilty of premeditated murder by a jury of your peers, and I hereby sentence you to life in prison without parole.
"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" is my favourite song about having a jockey in the family.
Can we all agree now, that when the AI bubble bursts, we'll call it SplatGPT?
Someone just complimented me on how funny I am. They said I was a complete joke!
Tories have promised to abolish stamp duty, if reelected, by ensuring nobody could afford to buy a home.
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Sure, we all look back and see things we could have done differently
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - 50 Cent
When deciding to coin a new phrase you really need to put your money where your mouth is.
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Before you criticise shoemakers, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
I've decided I won't be performing at the Riyadh comedy festival.
Sick of bitter interactions with your ex all year round? For a change this Halloween, try new pumpkin spite!
Of course, it's concerning that James Comey has been indicted, but it could be worse. He could have fallen out of a window.
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You can say that again!
Thinking of pitching a movie about a man who takes too many Tylenol, and becomes an autistic savant.
Working title: Pain Man
I don't understand white supremacists. Have they seen white people?
It's great that so many countries now recognise Palestine, but did they have to wait until the Palestinians could no longer recognise Palestine?
Just discovered "Netflix and chill" doesn't mean watching Netflix on your smart fridge.
Americans should really consider an amendment to their constitution to protect free speech.
For King and Cuntery!
Is it okay if I host all 5 myself?
"I will love you to the moon and back", he said.
"Jeez, Buzz, why do you always have to make things awkward", replied Neil.
Many US agencies currently have flags at half staff. Thanks to DOGE layoffs, many of the agencies themselves are also at half staff.
