I will die on the hill that if you write a letter of rec that you don't feel comfortable sharing with the subject of that letter, you should not be writing that letter at all.
What if they didn't ask you if you were OK writing them a letter but just put you down as their reference?
Feb 4, 2026 20:50When this has happened I've reached out to them regardless, either to tell them they should have asked first (if I would have provided one anyway), or to gently tell them something similar to what Patrick said in the other subthread (and that they should have asked first).
