I will die on the hill that if you write a letter of rec that you don't feel comfortable sharing with the subject of that letter, you should not be writing that letter at all.
Feb 4, 2026 19:20What if they didn't ask you if you were OK writing them a letter but just put you down as their reference?
When this has happened I've reached out to them regardless, either to tell them they should have asked first (if I would have provided one anyway), or to gently tell them something similar to what Patrick said in the other subthread (and that they should have asked first).
