VonTraphaus
Antisocial extrovert
- *giving the guest speaker presentation at a local highschool graduation* Let me tell you, kids: I’ve reviewed AI output for errors and I’ve sold drugs. Without a doubt, selling drugs is a far more rewarding, socially useful career, with better long term prospects.
- AITAH for stealing my younger friend’s potential girlfriend from him (they are blood siblings)
- *leading the polycule hiring panel* Who do you see yourself inside of in the next five years
- In my culture, mid level IT managers are prized for their skills in lovemaking
- All banks and post offices need a second line for people who have a fulltime job
- Ok why didn’t you all tell me to watch 28 years later sooner
- We’re pivoting to digital We’re pivoting to video We’re pivoting to AI We’re pivoting to battling mutants for the last dregs of gasoline in our burned out cities We’re pivoting to travelling from township to township on a donkey that has pots and pans strapped to it We’re pivoting to the void
- Employers when they insist on return to office days, but you’re not available after your work hours because you’re still commuting home
- My polycule has 12 cats, 3 jobs, 8 no contact orders on a family member, and zero drivers licenses
- *hour 2 of listening to victor Frankenstein recount the story of how he invented immortality technology* Can you fast forward past the parts where you keep trying to bang your sister in law
- Hey little daddy, hike up them dockers and let me see your fresh pair of new balances
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- Due to economic downturn, wine moms can now only pick two
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- So I heard some weird noises coming from my study and I think I walked in on my Robovac trying to hang itself. Does anyone have the number of a good therapist chatbot I can refer it to?
- I’ve trained my body to poop on company time so well that I can no longer poop while on vacation. The last meal of a four day weekend is like packing a musket
- Get rich or try dying
- I can’t join ICE because I can have a traffic dispute with a woman without drawing a firearm
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- I name my children after the places they were conceived. I’d like you to meet: Sydney, Paris, Cairo, Tunguska, Skokie, Wendy’s dumpster, and the newest addition to our little clan: rehab
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- The trump administration has announced it has successfully extracted princess peach to stand trial for her crimes and will hand the day to day running of the mushroom kingdom over to bowser
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- Been hustling, working weekends and evenings, studying fulltime in lieu of having a social life. I’ve had three promotions in five years, which saved me from defaulting on my home loan, but my purchasing power is demonstrably worse off than it was five years ago
- So it turns out all those “let’s circle back in the new year” meetings have been lying in wait for me, like vultures circling over a dying wildebeest
- I was cursed by a witch to roam the earth shitposting endlessly until the Time of Judgement arrives
- 2026 will be the year I wear prosthetic fingers when I’m out in public, so if incriminating video of me ever surfaces I can claim it’s AI
- Wasted so much time this year working, studying, exercising, and spending quality time with loved ones and none of it brought me any closer to my dream of being fired out of a cannon into the sun
- Reposted by VonTraphausDie Hard was actually appropriated from pagans
- Over Christmas I got together with a woman from the big city, and even convinced her to leave her fiancé and her high paying job so she can work in my Christmas themed store. I suppose today I should tell her it’s financed the other 11 months of the year by trafficking Angel dust
- Last Christmas, I gave you the clap
- The attendant manning the boba pearl station at the frozen yoghurt store: I think you’ve had enough, mister Me: I’ll TELL YOU when I’ve had enough
- Pepé le pew named in the Epstein files
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- You can undo all the negative effects of smoking with true love’s first kiss
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- Your lust means nothing, I’ve seen what makes you horny
- The Virgin Mary, several years after her divorce and after spending several years enjoying Jerusalem nightlife: Just Mary is fine, thanks
- Reposted by VonTraphausIt's that time of year
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- A sojourn to a remote town in the Pacific Northwest where everyone is friendly but things aren’t what they seem would fix me
- Xmas past: your refusal to join your coworkers in Christmas celebrations imperils your soul— Me: they wanted to charge us 100 dollars to attend the work xmas party Xmas past: and if you don’t change your ways— wait. What? Me: yeah. AND I was expected to buy a costume.
- It’s with a heavy heart that I announce after 40 amazing years, I’ve decided to part ways with the concept of socialising.
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- Sex with a blindfold on so you don’t notice I’m eating ribs the entire time
- Bad news, kids. I heard Santa and all the reindeer reciting the Shahada. They’ve accepted the light of Islam and there will be no Christmas this year. I’m so sorry
- This social media ban is proudly sponsored by Sportsbet. Sportsbet is Australia’s premier betting app and majority owner of its government. Use promo code #groomed to get a 16% rakeback if your child circumvents age verification technology before you can gamble away your life savings
- Interacting with grok and seeing it glaze Elon Musk feels exactly like going over to your friends house and finding the mannequin, expired ham, and vacuum hose he turned into a working sex doll.
- My mind palace sure is infested with a lot of gremlins and ghouls
