i hate how hard it is for me right now to get my brain focused back on classes after my winter break. the motivation is just not there. and idk what to do. maybe it'll get better? but i keep having the thought of "maybe just drop out, it's not for you"

i want to learn things that will lead to a career but unfortunately it's also a survival thing at this point. i'm in college full-time and the grants and student loans help me get by. if I didn't have that i'm not sure what i would do.

if i'm honest with myself my motivation right now is in streaming and making stuff again. i feel the most fulfilled when i can do that and i can feel myself starting to get depressed because i know i can't focus on streaming while i'm taking classes.

and i don't want to just drop out of college again without a job or something lined up. i don't want to struggle and have to ask for donations or try to push more subs or whatever with streams because that shit makes me so miserable. i'd rather do literally anything else. so...idk i just feel stuck.

tw family death // aside from all that, this time of the year has also been very rough for me mentally. it just passed 1 year since my grandmother suddenly passed and at the start of next month it'll be a year since my other grandmother passed. i've been coping by not thinking abt it/dissociating

tw family death // but i know deep down it's fucking with me too. there was a lot of loss in my family in 2025 and it feels so unreal sometimes. i'll be ok, it's life, but damn.