I’m in a very depressing part of my life where even though my sexual trauma FEELS like it should be in the past, my body just doesn’t want to forget. The amount of disgust and shame I feel at the thought of even touching myself is horrific (this isn’t helped by gender dysphoria)
I feel nauseous when I start to get “horny” and just shut down, lying in my bed until it goes away. I’ve thought about having sex with others once or twice in my life, but that’s completely non viable as my- uh- genitals are so traumatised by what happened it doesn’t allow for such activity
Plus I’d feel absolutely horrible to put someone in a situation where I might break down and cry, even if they are a SO and not a hook up. I don’t wanna put that baggage onto someone on the spot. Makes me feel like a child…
Also what if they… just don’t stop when I shut down and start crying? What if they ignore my pleas to stop like the others? What if they take my silence s a go ahead? Also also, what if all these thoughts are stupid and based on what I think I need/what society thinks I need and not what I want??
Mar 15, 2025 15:16
