Redville Zoo
Definitely not a haunted zoo
- An eagle that smokes? Really, Greeneville? We had a moose get drunk on fermented apples in a trash bin and it took 3 burly guards to pry his antlers loose but we never gave him shit about it.
- Wrong. That was your mom.
- This is revisionist history. Gavin was stealing food from the badgers.
- The wolves have put themselves in charge of the deer pen.
- We appreciate the positive comments about our manger scene but we don't have a manger scene. Karl our greensman passed out in the sheep pen.
- "A zebra is just a redacted horse" -Kyle The Intern
- Greeneville didn't have a rodent enclosure until the city caught them dumping pesticides next to their compost bins and those rats look like the Dogs of Chernobyl.
- Nobody knows who's in charge over at Greenville.
- Introducing the very first zoo crypto, "REDVILLE COIN 🍌🍌" We don't have a prospectus, but we do have a tax lien and an urgent deadline to buy liability insurance before January 1st.
- The zoo is temporarily closed while we take an inventory of our missing turkeys.
- It wasn't us. We can't even keep our own turkies safe.
- Thanks to everyone who contributed to the GoFundMe to raise money for Groundskeeper Carl's rabies shots. Good news, the bat tested negative. Bad news, Carl had a blood alcohol level of 2.8 which is a parole violation and we used the money to get him a lawyer.
- After a temporary shutdown over living conditions, the weasels have voted with the pigs to reopen the zoo.
- We want to thank everyone who donated to get our GM out of jail. There's no way to know the lemurs were stolen.
- One of our chimps burned down the wash station. Hugo only gets in the tub if we give him a cigarette but we forgot to take away his lighter.
- Here's the thing about Redville Zoo. We're not the biggest. We're not the fanciest. Some of our paperwork is questionable and a few of our animals are carrying diseases we can't identify, but we've been the #1 attraction in Redville since our truck ran out of gas and coasted into an empty field.
- We have close to 1000 followers and the greatest fan base on the socials. You folks are the best! Now, can someone lend us $ to bail out our social media person? or we'll be forced to start a podcast.
- Redville Zoo's sea otters hold hands because we value love and family.
- You can't tariff a good time! Visit Redville Zoo.
- We hate to spread gossip, but we heard that Greeneville's Giant Andean Condor Is just a fat crow.
- We want to congratulate Greeneville management on 1 day since a clown terrified a child at their "brilliant" BOO AT THE ZOO Halloween event.
- We apologize for trying to pass off trout as koi fish in our "Exotic Aquatic Experience" but tariffs are kicking our butts and we thought red highlighters were waterproof.
- You'll never hear Greeneville's wolves cry to the blue corn moon.
- Today, Greeneville Zoo said some of the most disturbing words we've ever heard.
- At least we're not on a Superfund site and our zoo director has both his arms.
- Big weekend at Greeneville Zoo. We don't like to spread rumors but we heard they're trying to pass off a whiny coyote as a rare New Guinea Singing Dog.
- Unlike Greeneville Zoo, our employees aren't forced to wear weirdass matching uniforms.
- Unlike Greeneville Zoo, Redville Zoo will be open be open normal hours on Labor Day.
- Greeneville Zoo is the only zoo in America where you enter through an insurance office.
- A lot of people are saying that Greeneville Zoo sits on top of a Superfund site and their "Rare And Unusual Animals" exhibit is just a collection of radioactive freakish mutations that you enter at your own risk.
- Octopuses have 3 hearts and they all hate Greeneville Zoo.
- Our fainting goats are authentic. Greeneville Zoo's fainting goats are just drama queens.
- The biggest difference between Redville Zoo and Greeneville Zoo is our animals are free to leave.
- We were shocked to find out that Greeneville Zoo's passwords were all 123chimpanzee.
- Greeneville zoo doesn't understand "freedom"
- Greeneville calls it an"escape." We call it "the governor's work furlough and rehabilitation program through soft societal reintegration."
- And we want To Congratulate Greeneville Zoo On their Prison Work Release Program and remind visitors that a flashing red ankle bracelet means you should call the cops.
