Matt Oswalt
remember me? We met on Twitter and would get together every Tuesday afternoon at the Motel 6 outside Fresno.
- I grew up on the Washington Post, especially the sports section. Shirley Povich, Michael Wilbon, Sally Jenkins, Tony Kornheiser. All gone. Though if Jeff Bezos was forced to end 150 years of journalism in order to give the gift of the Melania documentary to the world, it was worth it.
- Ed Gein: "It's not a crime to make furniture."
- maybe if Trump raped children while wearing a tan suit MAGA might care
- more details have been released about the guy who sprayed Ilhan Omar with apple cider vinegar last night than the guy who tried to assassinate Trump over a year ago.
- Melania reviews are out
- Happy Birthday to my brother who has won more Grammys than The Who, Guns N Roses, The Doors, Queen, Rush, The Velvet Underground, Diana Ross, The Beach Boys, Kiss, Janis Joplin, Depeche Mode, ABBA, Deep Purple, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jimi Hendrix, Kiss, Bob Marley, and Chuck Berry combined
- Greg Bovino has left ICE to spend more time playing a Zoltar machine
- I've meticulously analyzed the ICE shooting in Minnesota frame by frame and have reached the conclusion that only 2% of the Epstein files have been released and Trump is mentioned over 1500 times.
- if you're trying to impress Jodie Foster now's the time
- This is a rehearsal for the midterms. Expect Trump's ICE Gestapo to pick fights and randomly shoot voters waiting in line in blue states to give them the excuse they need to shut down polling places.
- no matter how hard Greg Bovino tries to exude rugged masculinity he always comes off like Don Knotts in a Portlandia sketch
- when he finally does die they'll hide it from the public long enough for everyone around him to cut immunity deals
- for anyone wondering why after months of threats Trump negotiated the exact same deal with Greenland that's been in place for years thereby accomplishing nothing, when his father Fred Trump had dementia they built a fake office where he'd go every day and sign blank contracts for pretend deals
- rewatching I, Claudius and you gotta hand it to the Roman's, they knew exactly how to handle a demented old tyrant who's lived too long
- quick someone award Jeffrey Epstein a Greatest Pedophile Ever medal and Trump will get so jealous he'll release the Epstein Files just to prove he deserves it more
- so all it's gonna take to stop Trump from going to war with Canada is for Glass Tiger to give him their Juno Award?
- somewhere in the vast ocean a fish is just swimming along completely unaware it'll soon be caught, filleted, breaded, deep fried, topped with tarter sauce and cheese, shoved in a bun, devoured, release the exact dose of cholesterol needed to stop a heartbeat, and save humanity from ruin
- damn, they even put some underage girls next to him and he STILL couldn't stay awake
- 1933 - Reichstag Fire 2026 - suburban mom driving Honda Pilot 3MPH
- I hate Minnesota Nazis, too
- as this 1-week free trial ends I've decided to cancel 2026
- if you think this is bad wait'll he cancels the midterms
- It's like I'm living in an alternate universe. Not only is Trump running our country like a dictatorship without anyone stopping him but I've met Chevy Chase on multiple occasions and found him to be a really nice guy.
- the only time someone gets three Cognitive Exams in a year is when your dementia is so bad you forgot you already had two
- entering 2026 like...
- Happy New Year and hope you all celebrated last night like an evangelical Christian whose husband was just assassinated
- Just read the average adult has sex 50 times a year so I'm about to have a hell of an exhausting December 31st
- going for a winter hike in Virginia feels like entering a 2-part Dateline episode
- Radical left scum and chill?
- it might be 2025 but my parents cupboard is stuck in 1985
- how were the ratings for his new game show "Lake Michigan Baby Toss"
- there are brave people in the DOJ who hate covering up a pedophile purposefully doing this with the hope someone on the outside discovers it and brings Trump down. Like an engineer forced to build the Death Star who secretly designed the thermal opening that leads directly into the reactor core
- Live a life that makes Trump attack you when you die. Rob Reiner was creative, generous, and intelligent; all things a stupid petty narcissist conman finds threatening. Rob left a lasting legacy. Trump will leave nothing when he dies, just a gold plated gravestone people will only visit to piss on
- bullshit. Netflix has to bend the knee to Trump to get his approval for the Netlix/Warner merge so don't be surprised if Trump receives an honorary Academy Award and the Oscars are changed to the "Trumpies"
- Sarandos and Zaslov won't stop until they turn the New Beverly into a Spirit Halloween Store
- on the 405 and just got cut off by the CEO of Sleepytime Tea
- 🎵Sweet dreams you can't resist...N-E-S-T-L-E-S🎵
- 🎵It's the most Jollibee time of the year🎵
- this is like a monologue Bialystock & Bloom would add to Springtime for Hitler after opening night was an unexpected hit.
- BOEBERT: "Sorry, Mr President, but removing my name from the petition goes against everything I believe as a devout Christian and unapologetic defender of woman." TRUMP: "I'll appoint you ambassador of Sandals Resort." BOEBERT: "Pass me the white-out."
