Even if there is no God or Buddha, there is Das Wunderkind.

Sabu does take the match, but it looks like I do get something to make up for my lack of chair violence: my first guys being put through a table! This also disqualifies Sabu despite winning, which is absurdly hilarious to me. And probably a solid way to set Sabu as a self-destructive heel.

Ric Flair comes out to call out AA for not being with him last Sunday night. It seems like I might be missing some context, but the amount of charisma Ric has while putting down his former friend for calling his family in the hotel? Amazing. I love this guy.

Lex Luger comes down, decked out like he’s ready to wrestle. I love that Ric looks like he’s ready to bail and run the second Luger makes a move. He’s a perfect Bully character, and I get why he stayed around for so long. He’s the guy you love to hate.

Ric starts hyping Luger up instead, like he’s selling the WCW audience on the guy. It’s absolutely hilarious and charming, like Ric is trying to sway Luger to his side in the inevitable conflicts between wrestlers. Luger’s embarrassment is just the icing on the absurd cake.

MAKE SURE YOU ORDER WAR GAMES KIDS, ONLY $27.95. SUNDAY ONLY. Maybe it’s a good thing kid me wasn’t into wrestling. I’d have driven my mom nuts with the begging for PPV events.

Now that the commercial is out of the way, we have a match for the US Heavyweight Championship between Sting and some guy called VK Wallstreet. Looking him up, he’s a solid wrestler who’s another lifer in the franchise. Mad respect to the guys who made a living off this.

Sting comes out to his music, and I have to stop the video again to laugh as Eric Bischoff starts rambling about the pre-taped conclusion to tonight’s WWF match. Knowing the little I know, this is an absolutely hilarious backfire waiting to happen.

The match is fairly one-sided, and I’m not gonna say it’s not cathartic to see a rich asshole get pummeled in 2026. But it’s fun to see a rich asshole get pummeled by a man in neon spandex.

Oh! There is more I was missing. There’s at least a Saturday night now. Looking at Wikipedia, it looks like this became the show for the lower tier wrestlers to earn their way into the big show, while Nitro was the storyteller and set up the PPV matches. I may watch them anyhow, but on the side.

Oh shit, Big Bubba vs a guy who owns a rabbit. I’m gonna have to watch it.

Flyin’ Bryan vs Das Wunderkind?! Fuck. Now I actually do have to hunt this episode down.

Advertisements over, the next match was actually set up last week during one of my “I’m missing context here” moments. The guy demanding to wrestle MACHO MAN was Scott Norton. I didn’t see any earlier beef between them in his Wiki entry, but this should be fun.

Scott doesn’t even wait for MACHO to get into the ring before pummeling him, but man. Another brutal one. The adult in me knows that this is to make the upcoming PPV SPECTACULAR all the more hyped and thrilling, but the kid in me would totally be concerned over the MACHO ONE.

Serious credit to both wrestlers, they are selling everything here for the match. MACHO is set up as the scrappier fighter while Scott is the bruiser who will wreck MACHO if he gets his hands on him. It’s not what I’m used to seeing (though I bet it’s common) and it’s fun to watch.

Easily the best moment in this match, MACHO MAN goes up to perform an aerial attack of some kind, but is caught by Scott Norton and the man begins squeezing him like he wants some fresh MACHO MAN branded orange juice. The screams from Randy are crazy.

After being wrung out like a wet towel, MACHO MAN looks like a broken man. Even Eric Bischoff speculates that Hogan’s 4 man team will be down another man during their EXCLUSICE PAY PER VIEW MATCH against the Dungeon of Doom. I can guarantee I would have driven my mom fucking insane asking for it.

MACHO MAN is able to start fighting back against Scott, but they’re interrupted by the Dungeon of Doom once again storming the ring. I’m sensing a trend here that puts this show way more in line with #Tokusatsu than I ever realized before. And that’s kind of awesome.

But man, the Dungeon of Doom really feel like a disjointed theme here. I like the idea of a bunch of heels just storming in… …but I’m getting flashbacks to the nWo from the little I know of them, and I instantly see how this could backfire insanely badly. And it probably will.

But now we’re at the main event, and Bischoff takes the time to remind us that once more the WWF is for little kids as Lex Luger takes the stage. Hulk also joins him after a commercial break for the FALL BRAWL ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW. Nice of them to note proceeds go to MDS research though.

The pair clash occasionally, also performing the heroic circle I learned about from #TojimaWantsToBeAKamenRider at the same time. They’re doing a great job of showing they could be evenly matched. The announcers get a dig in on the Green Bay Packers when it’s mentioned Lex played for them once.

Hulk does get the upper hand for a second, pulling Luger into a suplex. However, the kid in me cheers as Luger practically bounces off the mat and is back up before Hogan is with a delightful no-sell of the suplex.

My moment of the match is when Luger grabs Hulk and bellows with all the energy his core can muster, audible over the cheers of the crowd and the announcers themselves as he throws Hulk into the air for a suplex. Fantastic, no notes. Luger is a consummate professional. Very #anime.

“Let’s face it, Lex Luger is just not used to this caliber of competition!” Eric Bischoff insults the WWF once again as Lex Luger flies over Hulk’s body. While it’s still a somewhat even match, Luger is starting to fall behind and even goes “nope” to one of Hulk’s attacks and ducks out of the ring.

Finally, Luger gets the upper hand and gets Hulk into something called the Torture Rack. He thinks he’s won, but the Ref says no. Hulk’s #tokusatsu lineage kicks in and he begins to hulk out, transforming into a no-selling machine. It’s here where I realize this is just like my Japanese anime.

Hulk then delivers the same sequence of attacks he did against Big Bubba last week, which makes me think the crack about it being anime isn’t far off if Hogan can pull off stock footage in live TV. But before he can pin Luger, the Dungeon of Doom invades. Again. For the third time in 2 days.

This time, though, it’s used to set up that Luger should join Hulk and Pals for the UPCOMING PAY PER VIEW EVENT WAR GAMES. Credit to the WCW crew, they had two weeks to work a storyline in for Luger, and they found a way to not only make him a face wrestler, but also integral to the PPV.

How we get there, though, is absolutely hilarious. Hogan and MACHO MAN don’t trust Luger because the DoD didn’t attack him. Sting winds up noticing it’s just because they wanted to beat up Hogan’s team and spends what feels like 12 minutes explaining that to Hulk. Who just stands there blank-faced.

Luckily, Luger accepts the proposal, and we will see him soon AT THE WAR GAMES. Also, Steve now has a chihuahua in his arm with an adorable sombrero getup.