Actual instructions on changing a smoke alarm battery: -wake to the chirp at 4:30am -haul the stepladder upstairs from the kitchen -identify a fresh 9V battery in the junk drawer -climb from the stepladder to the dresser so you can reach the alarm (while your 6’5” partner sleeps)

-rotate the alarm both clockwise and counterclockwise -reconcile the fact that the alarm is hardwired to your home’s electric circuitry yet still needs regular battery changes?? ok sure -use your fingernail and maybe math? to pry the old (rectangular) battery out of its (semicircular) housing

-orient the new battery in your favorite direction (just guess, there are no clues) and smush it into the housing. there will not be a click or a snap or any other cue to tell you whether you are right or wrong

-smush the little housing door shut. there will be a click. do not allow this to reassure you. -press and hold the button labeled “test|silence” (the silence part is a lie) -there will be three loud beeps from (why??) ALL the smoke alarms in the house -at least now your partner is awake