Oooooohhh having a bit of Decision Paralysis on what I hoped to be a lazy chill day before work but instead my anxiety is slooowly creeping upwards the longer I sit %))))) I wanna grab my laptop to work on an Obsidian theme (I've been increasingly adding css snippets n realized it's prob time to-

-just make myself a custom theme), mayhaps write a bit more of an existing or new fic (had a few brain worms hanging about), and/or work on starting to redesign my website (i got inspired last week n sketched up some rough layout ideas and stuff but haven't had time to Do anything yet)!!!

The Struggle™️ of wanting to give myself a day to ACTUALLY relax n do whatever I feel like as the fancy strikes me w no pressure vs. Clinical Anxiety which is determined to try and generate guilt over any downtime not being "productive" lmao :'3 I think adding to the struggle rn is that bf & I are-

-waiting on smth to come through on Tuesday, which will be a positive & very exciting if all goes well! But will then require getting a bunch of other stuff going/done in the next month, so my brain is absolutely getting caught up in pre-action items anxiety, like waiting for the whistle to start a-

-race or smth gjshfjrhs LMAO :'VVV I know the work weeks are much harder for me tho when I don't get ANY significant time on a weekend to do what I want, consequence-free. And I've had many weekends where I ended up sat scrolling & thinking abt the leisure stuff I wanna do (i.e. video games), but-

-feeling too guilty abt just thinking abt doing that instead of smth "worthwhile" or "productive", so I end up anxiety guilt scrolling abt the mere Concept of doing the leisure thing & never end up doing the thing OR smth productive, and feel like shit all week bc I didn't relax for a single second-