I bet I could skip this phone halfway across a big pond on a clear day
Don’t worry. Spring will come & the honey bees will make nests in the cracks of your soul
*seductively recedes into the nothingness
*helps hamburger as a friend*
let’s eat mall pretzels and watch 80’s flicks
Ask your doctor if pharmaceutical grade grilled cheese sandwiches are right for you.
Don't make it weird. Let it become weird organically.
Nothing new to report over here. Carry on.
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BREAKING: my heart
If you're okay with any of this fucking unfollow me now
Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void
My horoscope told me to cry myself to sleep
I am starting to cherish my lack of sleep
I’m at the age where thinking about disco gives me heartburn
Panicking to the martini bar essentials playlist
I do enjoy a brandy snifter of Fritos after dinner
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I don't remember the last time someone checked on me to make sure I didn't need to be turned.
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Here I am, practicing my smile before work. I’m telling myself, “you can do this!”
This has been part of my routine lately.
Auxiliary is cute name for baby
A whirlwind of calamities feeling like the evening of the world has arrived.
I was today years old when I learned you can send your enemies a can of green beans via a special button on your bank’s pneumatic tube system
It’s all so stupid. Stupid people being stupid. Stupid.
"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door
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I should really get more sleep, I think in the morning but ignore at night.
Someone tell that cat to use her indoor voice.
Where in the world is ripened avocado?
Certified Financial Professional National Championship?
More positive subtle expressions, even if it's only a raised eyebrow under a pair of black framed glasses after someone has already passed by. Shared humanity can add up. Or not, which we would probably prefer. But we share that.
I went into the Tron world once, they had me pedal my 10 speed undetected inside their version of Mordor
Looking for a medicine that will give me side-eye effects
the best thing about buying new hand weights is walking out of the store doing some curls
Toeless socks can help you meet your toenail growing goals.
me: I'm going to get up and walk over there
random piece of knee cartilage floating around in my left knee: no the fuck you will not
it's like bringing a solemn finger wag to an extinction level event
i’m out of my mind, please leave a message
Imagine being able to say the right thing at the right time.
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I'll cancel plans just to be alone.
Who knows I might become a vest person
Sometimes all you can do is try not to be the chip on your own shoulder
If I was in the mystic aisle I'd just get blue aura for soothing but this is a baking aisle so it's going to be a food coloring reset
History’s sock drawer.
Toothpaste, but for your brain.
this soup will give me the energy I need to *falls asleep standing like a horse
Like crows pecking through your garbage cans, these are the days of our lives
I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals
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I woke up this morning and my hair made me look like a Temu version of Wolverine.
Hard-boiled can describe eggs or detective novels.
Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High
