Alice McFlurry
Mostly one-liners at my own expense
Awkward AF
Midwest to West Coast
- Those are my emotional support pantyhose.
- That's my emotional support grizzly.
- We shouldn't make fun of men with goatees because it's possibly not their fault that they've been slapped so many times that hair no longer grows on the sides of their faces.
- Me: Did you see that article about [blahblahblah]? Them: Yeah, I read the article and [blahblahblah blahblahblah]. Me, a person who only read the headline: Wait, stop. I’m not THAT interested in it.
- The B in BMI stands for Bullshit.
- How much back would a humpback hump if a humpback could hump back?
- Whenever I make plans that I regret (which is almost always), I’m going to take a tip from the Apple Genius Bar and start encouraging my friends and family to cancel by replying with "1"
- For reference:
- Lieutenant Dan stopped walking so Forrest Gump could start runninnnnn'.
- I like to give people terrible home decorations so I can show up a year later and ask where they put them on display just to watch them squirm.
- ATTN: Marketing departments: The moment you advertise about your "good" deed is the moment you negate your "good" deed.
- I bet Mambo No. 6 had a little less Monica.
- I was already having trouble with the concept of chicken "fingers" and things just got worse with my recent realization that British people call fish sticks fish "fingers."
- TV Network: We're really interested in your lifestyle and want to make a TV show about it. Man: Cool! What's the show going to be called? TV Network: Swamp People Man: WTF
- Do you think birds know how annoying they sound?
- You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. And, if you're uncoordinated like me, you also miss 100% of the shots you do take.
- It's 5 o'clock somewhere! ...I say to my boss as I dramatically shut down my work computer at 9:00 am.
- Go big or go home? F yeah I wanna go home!
- Your booty call is very important to us.
- I politely request that all gentlemen callers text me instead.
- All of my jokes are boner jokes if you look hard enough.
- My date with Scrooge McDuck got a little weird when he tried to open the bottle of wine with his weird dick.
- A lot of people don't know this, but when you see actors drinking whiskey on screen, it's often not alcohol and is instead probably something like really dark urine from a very unhealthy person.
- Death AND taxes? In this economy?!?
- One of my favorite games is waiting for my husband to finish a snack and then asking him to pass it to me just to witness the momentary guilt right before he realizes I’m just messing with him.
- My friend keeps bragging about how they sleep in all day and never do anything and I’m like "what do you want, atrophy?"
- Whenever someone DMs me to ask about scheduling a meeting, I ask for more info about what the meeting will cover and then I continue asking and answering questions until everything has been covered in the DM itself so there is no longer any need for a meeting.
- I’m afraid of the boogie man because he's always trying to wiggle up on me while disco plays in the background.
- Laser hair removal is just a forecasted marketing ploy devised by Big Merkin.
- Hiring Manager: What's your greatest weakness? Me: ::starts singing the 1992 hit song Weak by SWV::
- I’m not looking to gatekeep so you're going to need to open and close that thing on your own.
- Every food bowl should be a bread bowl.
- I’m always surprised when I go into an old house and find a dumb waiter that's still working because I would have stopped working a long time ago if everyone called me that.
- Celebrating the fifth year of copy/pasting last year's goals over to this year's goals just to see if anyone at my company notices.
- Thought I was playing footsies with the guy sitting across from me on the train but it turns out I was just having a tryst with his backpack.
- There was a span of time when it seemed like every kid was named something like Jaxyn or Brynleigh but I haven't seen those types of names in a little while so my best guess is that they all died doing dumb TikTok challenges.
- Nothing makes me more angry than when someone asks me to "kindly" do something.
- 4am is the perfect time to start obsessing over past interactions and having a bunch of delayed Keyser Söze realizations about all of the social cues that were missed.
- I don't want to read into this too much, but when a coworker hearts my message in slack, does that mean they like me or LIKE like me?
- Whenever my company tells me I need to go into the office for anything, I feel like I’m LARPing.
- Tis the season to be working between Christmas and New Years and receiving nothing but out of office replies from everyone else who's not.
- Me: Check out my OnlyFan account! Them: You mean OnlyFans? Me: No.
- I refuse to weigh myself so I just let my tubetop do the talking.
- Whenever I’m at a bar, I like to sit in a seat directly under a TV playing some sort of sports game so I can pretend like a bunch of SportsBros are cheering for me while I eat my mozzarella sticks.
- I think they make champagne bottles hard to open to ensure you're sober enough, but the joke's on them because I have a sword.
- Proposition to rename America's Got Talent to America's Got Time.
- I don’t care about proper adverb use because I like to live dangerous.
- Good thing my Ray-Bans have a warranty because I’m throwing so much shade.
- I know they say cellar door is the most beautiful combination of words, but that was before BABY GRAVY wrote: If I nut then I nut well there's nuttin' I can do about it.
