Chris Donald
Cartoonist, editor, former DHSS clerk
- Personally, if attending a paedophile sex party I would refrain from corresponding with the host afterwards, referencing details of the event. Perhaps Donald Trump should have followed the Mission Impossible example and sent Mr Epstein an audio tape which would have self-destructed in five seconds.
- If I had the energy I’d Photoshop a picture of Ghislaine Maxwell as a dwarf, using photos of her and her dad, stood next to Jeffrey Epstein on a tropical beach, blurting “Boss. It’s zee plane! It’s zee plane!” But I’m tired, and tomorrow I have to put out the bins and apply for my Retirement Pension
- Dentists will tell you losing teeth makes chewing difficult. Well, I have several teeth missing, and today I ate a biscuit. It was most enjoyable, and I was disappointed when I appeared to have finished it. Then I fished about with my tongue and was delighted to find plenty more of it still to eat.
- In Asda a kind lady stepped back to allow me to reach a loaf of bread on a low shelf. As I bent down in front of her I farted, then stood up, shamefully dangling a wholemeal loaf in my hand. Later it occurred to me I should have smiled, waved the loaf at her, and said “It’s bloody good stuff this!”
- If you have an elderly relative who is becoming forgetful and sometimes wanders off alone and goes missing, make them wear an ‘I support Palestine Action’ T shirt. That way the police will have no trouble finding them.
- I know men don’t read books anymore, but have any women out there noticed the similarity between Donald Trump and Don Quixote? Illusions of grandeur, opposition to wind farms. Stupidity.
- I reckon aliens will save the Earth by invading it and simply switching off the electricity. No more shit daytime TV, no more internet, no more misspelling and misplaced apostrophes on social media. It’ll be sheer bliss (until the aliens suck our brains out, or whatever it is that they intend to do)
- The problem with the England team is that we are only allowed to field English players, whilst the opposition are always allowed to pick foreigners.
- Took Sandy for a walk today at Weetslade Colliery Country Park. Here he is pausing briefly between gatecrashing picnics.
- Me and my brother Simon got together with our old pal Jim Moir and his wife Nancy the other day, in a repurposed biscuit factory, to stand in a line and smile for this photograph. (I didn’t realise the camera had a wide angle lens.) Credit: The Bigger Picture Agency
- Watched a ship roll in today, Then watched another, larger one roll away
- They say the police are getting younger every day. That’s bollocks. My cousin joined up when she was in her early twenties. After 25 years in the force she’s got grey hair, and suffers badly from arthritis.
- Highlights of my Cornish Christmas were burning the £3 Blankety Blank board game we bought for entertainment, only to find it was a minimum of 3 players. And the magnificent, breathtaking architecture of Waitrose, Truro.
- Pretty obvious really. First place to look for an enemy of corporate America would be McDonalds.
- Viz magazine was 45 today. Hats off for Rude Kid and Paul Whicker creator, the late Jim Brownlow. Wouldn’t have happened without Jim.
- In the old days you could write to Heinz, tell them you’d found a set of false teeth in a tin of beans, and they’d send you a 144 free tins, just to keep it off That’s Life. Last week I emailed Cadburys and told them I’d found a chocolate cock in an advent calendar. They haven’t even replied.
- Gregg Wallace’s lawyers should stop procrastinating and saying, flatly, that their client denies allegations of inappropriate behaviour. The obvious defence would be to say ‘Aah! Come on! They LOVE it, really!’
- The BBC’s persistent problems with errant presenters is due to the majority of celebrities being arrogant egotists by nature, and BBC producers being fawning, star struck and stupid. If the BBC let the technicians, makeup artists or canteen staff choose the ‘talent’, they’d do a better job.
- Reposted by Chris Donald
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