The Takoma Torch 🔥🐓
Takoma Park's ONLY Humor Source. Home of the Nimbee and Takoma Man.
www.takomatorch.com
- “Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”
- BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over
- Huge announcement from MCPS!
- “If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”
- “One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”
- “If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”
- “I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”
- TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble
- “We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”
- Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.
- “This is the kind of bomb you drop once and then talk about forever..."
- “If the Messiah were born today, we would absolutely want him arriving in a way that minimizes the impact on our single-family neighborhoods.”
- Any changes to the neighborhood will be approved 'over his dead body'.
- “The Lord parted the Red Sea, but even He would not attempt to part a pile of leaves with a gas blower on a Sunday!”
- “This sets a dangerous precedent,” warned 83-year-old Susan Forbes, head of her HOA since the Reagan administration. “If she can retire, next thing you know someone under 70 will be allowed to chair a subcommittee.”
- “We invented baseball and we will not let a bunch of foreigners come into our country and steal our bases, especially after they refused my generous offer to be the 51st state!”
- Case closed.
- "Now everyone wins: pedestrians get the illusion of safety, and drivers get to maintain their God-given right to barrel through Takoma Park like they’re late for a lacrosse game in Bethesda.”
- “Of course I feel bad for everyone struggling,” he said while adjusting his Patagonia vest. “But for me, personally? This is the universe telling me I’ve earned a break.”
- Live as Jesus lived.
- Breaking: The Lunatic Unaffiliated Is Out Of Control and Needs to Be Stopped
- 16 Million Jobs Created Under Biden Revised to Trump's First Month in Office, Updated BLS Data Shows
- BREAKING: Speaker Johnson Claims Trump Didn't Pay Taxes Because He Was Informant for IRS
- “They say the pickle bar is ‘free’ but really, you have to spend $15 on a reuben or an omelette to get the free pickles,” Elrich told the group with deli mustard on his half-tucked shirt.
- DeSantis Orders Florida Police to Arrest Rainbow
- We love our new logo and we think you will, too.
- Little League Player Ejected For Not Wearing Enough Pieces of Flair
- “I feel blindsided," remarked one county resident. "The county should have warned us about this playground at least five years before my grandchildren were born.”
- New Zoning Law Requires 2.5 Rec Centers for Each Condo Unit
- Our bee lawyer can really sting.
- BREAKING: Donald Trump Becomes Youngest Person To Ever Write Own Name at 79
- “Parker is more than a robot. He’s a symbol of resistance. Of justice. Of preventing someone from Bethesda parking at our co-op just because they want to try ‘hippie milk.’”
