Capnbobfrapples
Actor. Writer. Pirate.
Wine club. If you know you know.
- I have been trying to drive back to France for days now. But snow and ice mean we keep having to postpone. I am Being held PRISONER in this most united of kingdoms. In Hampshire/Berkshire. A CAPTIVE. I am in a pub.
- There are TWO other people in this pub and a log fire. Is this heaven or hell. Who can say?
- The girl working behind the bar just told the other girl working behind the bar that she was ashamed of her “disgusting fingernails” I feel like this warrants further investigation. Watch this space.
- Can confirm. Absolutely disgusting. Just ordered another pint. Might skip the peanuts.
- 2026 and already I have had two weather warnings, 6 mince pies and one obscene thought about Emily the tank engine. #2026
- Happy new year everybody. #ff @benhomewood.bsky.social
- This year has been a tricky wank.
- Hello. It’s that funny time of year between Jesus Christ our lord being born to the world and the return of the one true ring by Cliff Richard to Mordor.
- I remain Christmas dinner. This is me now.
- I am Christmas dinner.
- I suppose, in a way, I AM Emperor of Bluesky.
- Happy Christmas to everyone except builders and plumbers and electricians who casually write on walls instead of paper.
- Those three wise men never had to use AI tho did they? Makes you think.
- Balthasar the Wise man: *types: What gift should I take the actual son of god for his literal birthday present? I will have traveled for two months by camel from Iraq to Bethlehem. Please check your answer twice. I need this to be perfect. Thanks. Chat gpt: Myrrh. Every time.
- You have to question the ‘wisdom’ of turning up to meet the literal newly born son of god with a bunch of fucking ‘myrrh’ lol
- If I were a wise man. I would have brought a loud bell, a bucket of fish and a stick, just in case there were any bears about.
- Also. I would have brought TWO pots of taramasalata (in case one got eaten by bears) and a bosuns whistle.
- When you think about it. The nativity is actually just a story about three wise men following a magic star to give presents to the son of god who was conceived miraculously and then born in a stable!!! You couldn’t make it up! lol
- It’s Christmas and Eve, NOT Christmas and Steve!
- The way builders and electricians just casually write shit on actual walls though.
- My advice is this. If one does it in your home, move away, scream loudly to attract attention and call the police.
- I will be releasing the Epstein files shortly.
- I am going to Bed. When I awake. If I haven’t acquired a million followers at LEAST. I will shit yourself.
- Dyson ‘air blades’ can fuck off. They disgust me. I’d rather urinate on my children as they slept, than dry my hands with one.
- I’m so old now and have been away so long that I am afraid I may completely misjudge the tone on here. Is it still cool to bully people and laugh at their awful haircuts and trousers and make them cry and wet themselves?
- in other news. I have written a FILM SCRIPT. It’s a Christmas film! It deals with the usual festive subjects: Pirates, mince pies, assisted dying, feasts and existential trauma. I am immensely proud of it.
- I really have by the way. And I really am.
- I’m back and I bet I’m going to be Brilliant on here. Follow me. I’m delicious. (I may make this a catchphrase)
- Has anybody mentioned on here how horrible Twitter has become? Probably not. Well let me be the first. Also. Not one tweet about taramasalata in the past 6 years. Imagine! The place is a fucking bin fire.
- Hello you disgusting pigs. So come on. Tell me EVERYTHING.