little lamb
I’ll be your mirror
- They laughed when I told them about Iranian Pete Holmes…….. that was the appropriate reaction, he’s one of the funniest Persians of all time
- Iranian Pete Holmes: but if you did have to be a satan…….. wouldn’t you want to be the great one?
- The Honest Pastry Chef, brainstorming: what if somebody cream pied the moon The Conniving Pastry Chef, surreptitiously jotting down notes: no it would never work as a cake
- Washington is now poised to compete for a state funeral and an nba championship in the same year
- I’m communing with the dead in circles around you bro
- Everything I do between putting my jeans on in the morning and taking them off at night is done under duress
- Compromise: federal government is going to be closed on Mondays and tuesdays from now on like a restaurant owned by white people
- You know who wasn’t in the Epstein files? Timothy mcveigh
- Take morphine and ride a broken mountain bike twelve miles to your moms hospice every morning in my shoes
- Bluesky going to the mats to defend its best friend emails, ‘the other text that nobody wants to read’
- I live every day like it’s a gun to my head
- We apologize for the brief suspension of @flavorflav.bsky.social While our automoderation tool correctly identified that he 'was black,' we regret the error.
- First they came for papa john and I said nothing
- Growing up I had a buddy named Jee Vacation. Guess we know why he couldn’t get his email address of choice now
- A jee vacation actually sounds really nice. I know it’s bad though
- Last time things looked this bad we got Hamilton. Never give up
- Don’t get me wrong, I love Stevie ray vaughn and nuts on Clark but I’d rather live in a shoebox full of bees
- Isn’t Chicago that Stevie ray Vaughan city
- Girl I’d like to lock you in the bathroom and make you read jstor
- There’s a version of goofus and gallant in the Wall Street Journal called hazy creditor and vigilant creditor
- I would no longer let Chomsky snap it off inside me
- I learned how to fuck the couch cushions from the back of a lucky charms box but these days it’s only maze and word search on there
- Communism is where everybody reads jstor, capitalism is where everybody reads vampire diaries and the backs of cereal boxes
- This is what happens when everyone in the federal government isn’t forced at gunpoint to read jstor for 2 hours every day
- Holding the gun to my head and pulling the trigger over and over again while repeating liberty bibberty but there’s no bullets left
- You smell incredible. Are you going to be here a while, should I run and get my nostrils gauged real quick?
- feel a bit guilty for making fun of Chomsky because you’re only supposed to make fun of living people and dead people. People in the weird shadow zone in between have it hard enough already
- Death has made you soft and weak
- When I was little I would have done anything to look like the ghost twins from matrix 2. These days I’d settle for looking like the merovingian
- You guys have got to try outside today, it’s a good batch
- Remember when the king of the hill reboot came out and we all learned what it is to burn