Abam
Time to reinvent myself as the exact same person
- Reposted by Abam[This post could not be retrieved]
- Reposted by AbamBARISTA: What size coffee? ME (attempting to navigate the burden of self): Do you have something between a medium and a large?
- Reposted by AbamMass Effect style dialogue wheel except the only dialogue options ever offered are "No, yeah, for sure." and "Damn, that's crazy"
- You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? I got a hippopotamus for Christmas and let me tell you, I’m fucked
- Reposted by Abam*my wife comes home from work & sees me in the kitchen wearing an apron, tending to a pot on the oven. i scoop a little bit with a wooden spoon & gently hold one hand underneath as i bring the spoon to her mouth. some light jazz is playing.* this is hot water. what do i do next?
- Reposted by AbamProbably the worst part of being a mouse is having to act happy about sleeping in a sardine can
- The saddest death this year was Jane Goodall’s. I would have loved to have have her hang out behind my fiddle leaf and observe me
- Reposted by AbamFive Guys is called Four Guys now. No explanation offered, they’re just changing all the signs to say Four Guys.
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- Reposted by Abam“do you want anything from McDonald’s” me: round egg please
- My wife is on a trip to New York and now I’m terrified she’s going to meet a day trader who’s never fully understood the meaning of Christmas or a Christmas tree farmer who’s never been to the big city or two crooks who want to rob a toy store she’s recently gotten lost in and grown an affinity for
- Taking a gummy and watching inception until I can’t understand it or start to think I can
- Reposted by Abamif bowser ever kidnapped wario's girlfriend instead i bet wario would shoot him with a gun
- Reposted by Abamwife: were you even listening me: yes, you were quoting the teacher from peanuts
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- Reposted by Abamin order to restore our company’s masculine dominance we have decided to pander to every male authority figure and do whatever pleases them
- I’m just like everybody else. I put on my pant one leg
- Reposted by AbamGenius is 99% perspiration. It's disgusting
- Reposted by Abamwhy aren’t missing dads pictured on cigarette cartons?
- I’m pretty sure the tooth fairy is my kid’s first exposure to the concept of organ trafficking
- Reposted by AbamImagine an issue. Wrong, it's more complicated than that
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- Reposted by Abama good predator movie would be one where the predators recognize that supremacy in physical violence is not enough. they travel, silently, through the history of human civilization, to learn what it truly means to be destructive. to hate. their violence becomes political. they start saying slurs
- Reposted by AbamI do not use Spotify so every time I listen to a song I have to jot it down in my little notebook & take it to my accountant at the end of the tax year so he can mail my top five songs to the federal government
- Sorry i can't come to the orgy i have trypophobia
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- Reposted by AbamThis account is now sponsored by the Woods™. The Woods™: "Go ahead and go in 'em. Don't even...don't even worry about it."
- Reposted by Abam"Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" she asks. "What's a matter baby?" I ask. I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well, drawing nearby celestial objects inextricably towards it. "Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"
- Reposted by Abam[Urkel voice] Did I become Death, the destroyer of worlds?
- Reposted by AbamFirst time at the aquarium, whispering in wonder,”it’s all soup”
- The nicest part about blue sky is when a Twitter mutual follows you and you get that nice feeling of “wow, they really do like me”
- Reposted by Abam[library] hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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- Reposted by AbamGUY WHO MADE AN UNFORTUNATE HIRING CHOICE: Welcome to Jack Daniel distillery. You'll work here in the barrel aging house. DONKEY KONG: *tugs at tie*
- Reposted by AbamToothpaste is shampoo for your bones
- Reposted by Abammufos = mutual followers mufoes = mutual foes KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE.
- Reposted by Abamgot called “cis” today and was so distraught I fell really hard on my fainting couch, killing me instantly
- Reposted by Abam[me talking religion with a teen] so when grandma prays for you it’s like she’s gifting you a sub to heaven
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- No one told me this guy was here too
- How is “going outside is like smoking six cigarettes” supposed to deter me? So if I go outside I become fucking rad? Good to know
- Reposted by Abamthis is where i post from
- Reposted by Abam[Not loaded yet]
- Reposted by Abamnationalize the berry industry and establish a berry fund for families with small children, i can’t keep spending this much on berries dawg
- There’s 111k people on blue sky and I’ve held hands with every single one of them
- Reposted by Abam[sheepishly removes salmon hat] I thought these were a classic
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- Reposted by Abam*approaches a girl, tips hat* M'lady. *approaches a material girl, tips hat* M'donna.
- Reposted by Abam[COSTA RICA BAR] American: Got any snacks? Bartender: No hablo Inglés American: SNACKS DO YOU HAVE ANY EAT EAT SNACKS Bartender: Oh, now I get it. Yes, we have snacks
- Reposted by AbamLove the pull tab on soup. Love to pop open a Soup and chug it straight out of the can.
- Reposted by AbamIn my hands is a signed launch day Xbox 360. Looking up, Bill Gates is smiling at me. Everybody in Best Buy is smiling. I take off my Apple Vision. I am back in the retirement home. Nobody has visited me for 16 years. I put it back on. I hug the Xbox 360. Everybody in Best Buy is smiling
- Reposted by Abamhacker: I have all your passwords me: omg thank you, what are they
- Reposted by AbamIf science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
- Reposted by Abami like how over here everyone has to reup on deciding to follow each other. its like we're renewing our vows
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- Reposted by AbamI've got some good news and some bad news...
- Reposted by Abamwhen I suffer one(1) inconvenience
- Reposted by Abami feel like people get here from twitter with a bunch of latent aggression like soldiers coming back from the war to polite society, but they can't fit in because all they know how to do is kill
