Trumpers are going to be so disappointed when they figure out that despite his name, kid rock isn’t underage.
YOU SCRATCH AN ITCH, YOU DON'T ITCH AN ITCH
I have two siblings, but I’m the oldest so I win.
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punxsutawney phil (just had visions of pestilence, blood rain, malignant false idols, stillborn livestock): uuuh 6 more weeks of winter
the sea only exists because fish cry a lot
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I met a 16 year old magician.
The only thing he couldn’t make disappear was his virginity.
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A year ago: We need TAXES on the WEALTHY
Now: We need a cleansing fire
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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning.
craziest part about life in my opinion is all the things that happen
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Statistically, right now somewhere in the world, a man in a thin black tie has a cigarette dangling from his mouth while he’s pouring coffee into a white styrofoam cup.
I hate nazis, and I'll fight one.
Especially one of those WW2 ones who’s 110 years old.
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I used to own a map company but the business folded.
I’m basically always at my best, which unfortunately, is exactly the same thing as my worst, because my constant baseline is, “terrible.”
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"You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em."
*Me training a new employee at the map store*
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You know what the ladies say about a guy with feet that are two different sizes.
Ew.
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Lunch doesn’t happen often enough.
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This is all because those Brady kids messed with that tiki in Hawaii.
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Jamming my mouth full of food like a guy loading an old civil war cannon.
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