Andi 🏳⚧ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ)
Same username everywhere (🐦🧵🦣ⓣ).
⚧♀️ (they/she)
Asexual ♣️⚢
linktr.ee/propertyofmycat
I follow a lot of accounts here 'cos many belong to people I follow on Twitter but are inactive (waiting for Twitter to die?) and don't post here yet!
- I just want to be pretty. But it's too late. Maybe next lifetime 😭😭😭
- Sorry for the sad posts. Wish I could just push a magic button to unalive, delete myself from the timeline, and erase everyone's memories of me. I don't want to be alive anymore. Not like this. Not with this face and this body. I can't. I'm sorry.
- Estrogen is one hell of a drug — but it didn't work on me 😞
- Maybe this is how my story ends. No new chapter. No more story left to tell.
- My expectations for what HRT could achieve for me were always very low. I knew that I'd likely need surgeries to do the heavy lifting. Even so, I'd secretly hoped that I'd get results comparable to those I saw on social media. My disappointment has been crushing. 😞
- I hope you weren't too disappointed or scared-off by my selfies. 1/2
- The worst is that I think I have "chaser face". IYKYK. How horrible. 2/2
- These are my feet. I was born with a club foot. I can walk (with a limp) but the many surgeries to correct my deformity stunted the growth of my right foot and leg. I can't find nice shoes in a EU48/UK12/US15 and my tendons are too short to wear heels. No stilettos for me ☹️
- This is my body after more than 2 years on HRT. I can't stand straight 'cos my right leg is 3.5cm (1⅓ inch) shorter than my left. I have no waist and no hips, and I have a hunched back from bad posture and sitting in front of a computer screen for years.
- Face reveal. This is my face now, after 2 years, 2 months and 25 days of HRT. No makeup or filters. Neutral facial expression. No spectacles. I see an old, ugly, worn-out, broken man, kinda scary-looking. 😞 1/2
- You should see my Kubrick Stare; I look like Killer BOB or Vigo the Carpathian. 😔 2/2
- Last time I posted selfies, they were 2 and a half years old, and taken before I started HRT. Some people said I'm pretty. But I feel ugly and mannish. I'm considering posting no-makeup selfies so you can see what I see, but I fear you will be disappointed and unfollow me then.
- Some people suggested that my doctor might be underdosing me. Here's a complete history of my levels since I started HRT. I do DIY in addition to what my doctor prescribes me, so I'm not constrained by my prescription. Complete list of what I'm taking in next post ⤵️ 1/3
- Here's what I'm currently taking: Weekly: 15mg estradiol enantate (EEn) subQ Daily: 50mg bicalutamide 200mg progesterone (rectal) 5mg finasteride 30mg citalopram 150μg levothyroxine (for hypothyroidism) 114mg Fe 20mg Zn 100μg Se 10mg folic acid 900μg biotin (B7) 100μg B12 2/3
- Of course I'm data sciencing the the sh!t out of my test results. I can't count on my prescribing doctor to check on how I'm doing — they've never even asked to see my test results. (Incidentally, if anyone wants the Python script I used for the data viz, hit me up.) 3/3
- I know that I'll never be pretty. Folks have seen a few carefully curated selfies and told me I'm pretty, but they don't know what I see in the mirror every single day. That sinking feeling when I see myself is awful. I feel like my heart is bleeding from a gaping wound. 💔 1/3
- I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I see other girls who started transitioning around the same time as me, and they're so pretty. I see myself, and I ask, "why not me too?" It feels so unfair. I feel cursed. I cry myself to sleep every night. It hurts so much. 2/3
- I came out as trans on Twitter a little over 3 years ago. I have rarely posted selfies anywhere. When I have, they have always been carefully curated, I'm wearing a full face of makeup, and the lighting is good. None of you knows what I really look like. I hate what I see. 3/3
- Maybe I'm just annoying and unlikeable? Maybe most of my followers have me muted?
- Very few people noticed when I disappeared. Perhaps I come across as parasocial, but I honestly care about the people that I interact with. But I think that to most people here, I'm just words on a screen. I don't matter, and if I unalived, few would even notice I'd gone.
- I wish I had a community that I belonged to. I want to meet and hang out with other transfemmes. I want to go out partying, watch dumb movies together, laugh until I cry, and be among people who lift each other up. I wish I could meet my mutuals. Would anyone want to meet me?
- I feel so alone. Transitioning is the hardest thing I've ever attempted, and I have no support IRL. I've been in therapy for over a decade. My current therapist is well-meaning, but doesn't understand that positive affirmations spoken into a mirror can't cure dysphoria. 1/2
- When I came out to my previous psychiatrist, she asked me if I was going to get ThE SuRgErY, then refused to see me again. There's no IRL trans community here in Hungary; everyone has either left, or is leaving soon, and those staying are mostly transmeds and pick-me's. 2/2
- I'm sorry that I worried some of you. I know that some of you tried to reach out to me — thank you 🖤 I was in a much darker place and I wasn't functional at all. I haven't really done much of anything this past week except dissociate and cry a lot.
- Bridge. At the far end there's usually concrete at the bottom, not water. I spent a lot of time ruminating about this place last week. However, the Danube flooded and the police closed off the bridge. Also, there would have been too many people around doing disaster tourism. 1/3
- Some people asked me if I'm safe, but honestly, I don't know what that question means. Like, I don't have a plan, but if I suddenly saw a truck barrelling toward me and I had to get out the way to avoid being hit, what if I just... didn't? 2/3
- I don't think I can bear another few decades living like this, passively waiting for the end. Either my transition is successful — and the signs have not been promising so far — or I check out early. I'd prefer the former, but I need something to happen — soon. 3/3
- I'm still alive. I'm not happy about it, ngl. I don't see a future for myself in which I'm happy. People say, "trust the process", but I've been on HRT for 2 years and nothing has changed. I've lost hope. I can't live like this anymore. I feel so alone and ugly and mannish. 1/2
- I spent a lot of time this past week lying in bed, spacing out and staring blankly up at the ceiling, or quietly sobbing to myself. There just seems little point in doing anything. I can't think of a time when I've been so isolated and felt so hopeless. I hate being alive. 2/2
- Sorry for everything
- I should just face up to the fact that I'm not going to make it. My rocket failed to reach escape velocity. Nothing else to do but crater, I suppose
- Nobody will miss me
- It's been 3.5 years since my egg cracked and 2 years since I started HRT, and nothing has changed. What's the damn point of it all? I've waited in vain for my faith to be rewarded; for even the smallest of signs to show me that my transition will be successful. I'm so tired. 1/4
- I don't look any different. I'm destined to be ugly forever. I'll never be pretty. I want to take a belt sander to my face. Internally, I'm still a mess, paralysed by my own fears, shame and internalised transphobia. I've got no friends. I don't belong anywhere. 2/4
- I try not to compare myself to others, but I see lots of pretty girls achieving their milestones, and I feel left behind. Why can't I be pretty too? I'm so sorry to be this annoying. I just don't know how many more times I can pick myself back up from the floor. 3/4
- It all feels so very futile. 3.5 years of nothing. I don't see a future for myself. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like giving up, but I know I can't pretend to be a man ever again. If I can't be a woman, I'd rather be nothing. 4/4
- Am I… annoying? 😟 If yes, please feel free to comment below so that I can learn to do better. Alternatively, to submit an anonymous message, you can use tellonym.me/property... Thank you ❤
- To heck with it! 400mg prog tonight! How much of this stuff do I need to boof to not be asexual AF?
- Is it weird that I want to buy makeup but I haven't actually worn any for the last 2 years and I have a inexplicable psychological block about wearing makeup? I saw this metallic hot Barbie pink lipstick today and I just had to have it! 🥺🫦 Why am I like this?!
- Hi! This is just your regular reminder that I'm active on several social media platforms; you can find them all here: linktr.ee/propertyof...
- 𖤐 𝕳𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖔 𝕰𝖀 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖀𝕶 𝖌𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖘! 𖤐 Where the heck can I get a good-quality BLACK lipstick? 💄🖤 I was recommended NYX Lip Lingerie XXL Matte Liquid Lipstick - Naughty Noir but I can't find it in the EU or UK. 😟 Can anyone recommend a good alternative?
- 🎶 Eating the Cats ft. Donald Trump (Debate Remix) 🤣 youtu.be/3BrCvZmSnKA...
- Promoting the trans agenda at IKEA! 🏳⚧ I left messages in the hope that a sibling, perhaps shopping for a blåhaj, will see them. I forgot to take a photo of the first one, went back, and someone had added a remark in the 20 seconds I was away! I hope I had the last word. 1/2
- *Theoretically*, if I had been caught, I could have been arrested and deported from Hungary for spreading LGBT propaganda ("Act LXXIX of 2021 on taking more severe action against paedophile offenders and amending certain Acts for the protection of children"). 2/2
- Thinking about the dream I had last night. Maybe I'm both the dreamer and the dream. The dream me is circling, stuck in place, trapped within a dream that cannot unfold. Perhaps the dreamer has to let go and be left behind so that I can dream myself into existence.
- It's cold. Put on my jeans for the first time this year and struggled to pull them up over my thighs. They've grown since last year. I am become *THICC* 😳
- Other than giving me bizarre dreams, I don't know if prog is actually doing anything for me. But I do have boobs in my dreams now, so I guess that's something.
