Sam Allen
human (mostly)
comedian (barely)
- i keep hitting the snooze because it makes my life feel like an action movie every five minutes
- is Jim Bean and Jim-my Dean the same person, or are they two kids dressed in a trench coat playing James Dean? — asking for a bourbon breakfast sausage cineophile
- puns are always appropri—
- Completely reverses decades of scientific “eat shit and die” insults
- Not to be outdone, man, 36, has foot implanted in ass to teach lesson
- ‘George!? Who the hell is George?’ - me 300 pages into a book about George Washington
- “omg this is great news!!!” - someone from five years ago
- A new survey says that 75% of parents with multiple children have a favorite child—and the other 25%, well they’re GODDAMN LIARS!
- Do homeless people get imposter syndrome?
- Like in the alleyway standing around the barrel fire thinking, ‘I hope i fit in’
- ‘Oh no! they’re gonna find out I got my tent from REI’
- I love walking through spiderwebs because it makes me feel like an explorer
- A society grows great when old people plant mountains whose fruit they shall never sit in
- everyone wants to know what's in big beautiful bill, but nobody asks 'how is big beautiful bill?'
- everyone’s a partial nudist
- it’s easy to tell the truth when you don’t know anything
- that awkward moment when you realize your favorite Weezer song is actually by Wheatus
- about 100 days ago Trump swore to protect and defend the constitution, but now he says he doesn’t know if he has to— kinda like walking into a room and forgetting why you came in, but for like, the presidency
- “I was catfished by an actual catfish” - some worm probably
- listening to music makes me feel like i have friends
- shout out to Conclave for spoiling real life
- if you’ve never been bullied, you’ve never had autism
- how I tell people I met my girlfriend: me: hey! her: ho! both: let's go!
- “how about this time we buy a van and we DON'T take out the back seat. We always need a back seat and we never have one.” - overheard at a Third Eye Blind concert
- miss when the news was all, 'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
- say what you want about his politics, but his work-life balance is unmatched
- this candle lights your apartment on fire every morning at 4am to get you out of bed
- riffs in order of my favorite to least favorite: 1. mid 2. raff 3. she 4. ta 5. dand
- Earlier this week US Senator Cory Booker filibustered for more than 25 hours, breaking the record for the longest meaningless gesture.
- The new tariffs could make the Nintendo Switch 2 $600 dollars more—which is a shame because I was just about to move out of my parent's basement.
- “we’re psychopaths but at least we have paths” - overheard at an Applebee’s in Alaska
- i hope they’re about to do a bunch of crying
- People should have to sleep on the element of their astrological sign: Cancers sleep on water beds, Libras sleep on air mattresses and Tauruses sleep on the dirty ground where they belong.
- i'm I just searched "netflix" in Netflix level of tired
- There are more important things in life than money. The key is once you figure those things out to, ahh, umm, let me know.
- I'm not old, but every birthday adds an extra minute to me walking around the locker room naked
- An Australian man made history this week by surviving 100 days with a mechanical heart. The only complication is that in Australia the heart pumps the other way.
- not saying i'm a bad brother or uncle, but I offered to babysit for my sister's 40th and she was like, "well your nephew is 17 and doesn't need a babysitter."
- The People’s Union USA is organizing an economic blackout Friday, where, you guessed it — we all buy curtains.
- The unreleased lyrics from “Don’t go Chasing Waterfalls”
- just got back to the US after being gone for several weeks, and people walk very fast here. Like, where is everyone going, don't they know they’re already in the greatest country in the world?
- say what you want about mouth breathers, but they’re naturals at snorkeling
- sometimes I get sad when i eat a plate of food because I know it will all be gone soon
- dfw airport has rooms where you can sleep starting at $55 for the first hour — no thank you, I can walk for 30 minutes to a semi-quiet but still noisy area, use noise canceling headphones, throw a sock over my eyes, and sleep on top of my belongings so no one steals my phone for free
