Seana
Trans girl in your MFA (not in an MFA program, just annoying) | she
seanajunelives.bandcamp.com
- Do NOT bifurcate your torso, revealing a horrible legged Pac-Man which devours your lingering head. DO have terrible posture.
- MAGA is now essentially a content creation service, producing snuff films of libs/lefties and minorities being brutalized and murdered for the titillation of degenerates to watch while licking their pig lips on the couch they’ll someday die in and remain undiscovered for weeks.
- I did a lot of fashion rabbit holing and online thrifting while I was cooped and stir crazy in recovery and now I’m fiiiiinally able to wear it all out.
- Companies often attempt to create demand to meet their products rather than the other way around, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like how unrelentingly AI companies (and those who blindly over-invested in them) are trying to grind down a square hole to fit their circle.
- I’m about six weeks out, so still really early with quite a lot of swelling, but I’m finally starting to see my some of my FFS results ✨
- Four weeks post FFS today and it’s amazing how many gradations of “getting there” there are. Zeno’s puffy face.
- Extremely wilded out and bought a mid century oil painting on credit by a trans woman named Michel-Marie Poulain. I felt totally insane as I was doing it, but now I’m really excited. The moment I saw it I felt like it had to be in the hands of a doll (it was also objectively cheap for what it is)
- Looked her up, she’s very cool. Hung around Cocteau, courted scandal, fought in WWII, got captured by the Nazis and ran a POW cabaret before she escaped. Hirschfeld tried to scout her for an Institut pussy but she was afraid about what happened to Lili; eventually got vaginoplasty in 1946.
- She was kind of a deal for a time. Exhibited around the world, opened her own gallery in Cannes, published a memoir titled J’ai Choisi Mon Sexe. Lived to a ripe old age and died in the 90s. She has a painting at Centre Pompidou and a few private collections but otherwise seems unknown today.
- Early FFS recovery is such a. annoying rerun of the emotional dynamics of early transition. All of my anxieties are clichés and I just have to wait and and not be insane about it and trust that from the cocoon of my vaguely alarming face something pretty is going to spring over the course of a year.
- Reading Adorno for the first time and was not prepared for just how much of a crank he is about jazz. Like not remotely convincingly either, just constantly trying to gotcha jazz. (He’s even worse about film).
- My general experience of him so far is at once finding his overall conceptual framework incredibly compelling and most of his applications of it fairly dumb.
- Have had a melody stuck in my head all morning and just realized to my horror it’s the bizarre duet between Zoe Saldaña and the Israeli surgeon in Emilia Pérez.
- That scene in particular was so disjointed and strange. Is the impassioned, frankly corny plea for Emilia’s “validity” genuine or out of ambition and fear? If genuine, weird given that the preceding scene was her being suffocated, but if false, the whole thing is kind of inert and empty.
- Going in for FFS today. Wish me luck! See you on the other side of pretty purgatory.
- Just got the digital files back for the first role of film I've shot in like, 20 years and I'm really happy with them!
- A couple more
- Nvm, just had a hookup that fixed me, we’re so back etc.
- I’m doing so bad man lol.
- Riley Gaines perfectly articulating the logic of trans sports bans as a wedge and why it's not an issue we can give up on without leaving ourselves deeply vulnerable to far more significant attacks.
- The thing about marriage equality, is that while it was a fight that a lot of queer people felt was a distraction from far more material concerns, it got straight to the heart of the issue: what is the nature of these relationships? Are they as "real" as straight relationships are?
- Once you answer "a queer relationship is as real as a straight one," then a lot follows from that, legally, intellectually, morally, socially. It was a wedge, and winning that wedge revolutionized queer people's place in public life.
- The questions being asked in the trans sports issue are what is the nature of the transsexual body? Is transition real and effective? You might not choose sports as a particularly important issue in its own right, I don't, but as the proxy for these questions, it's one we simply must win in time.
- Fun question for me here is what are the qualities of a good test order. I used to judge cocktail bars by their Manhattan, because it’s just basic and formal enough and just open enough to being totally fucked up (someone once served me bourbon with club soda on ice in a collins glass) to do a read.
- And so there were like, levels I could read: is it vaguely in the ballpark (whisky, Italian vermouth, bitters in a cocktail or coupe), do they use rye, is the rye a real rye or just Overholt, are they just using like Martini Rossi or do they take their vermouth seriously, etc.
- Randomly decided to look up my second biggest closet case of a pre-transition ex, found the joint Facebook account she has with her cop husband that he controls. She’s got two kids and two of the deadest eyes I’ve ever seen. It’s bleak.
- When she broke up with me, she bizarrely told her parents this lie that she’d walked into my room and found me fucking a strange man (which, kind of funny given that she was *constantly* making out with women).
- I’d always assumed that it was just what her parents wanted to hear (they haaated me, bookish, atheist, limp wristed). Honestly though, I think she saw it in me. I think it’s what made our relationship kind of work in spite of itself and also made it fraught. And so I think she meant a truth by it.
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View full threadAnyway, this has been my little eulogy for one who didn’t make it. RIP Brittany, you would have loved being gay.
- Sometimes I read the Facebook comments on my hometown newspaper’s Facebook because I hate myself, and amid fights under a story about a family with a trans kid fleeing NH there’s this woman who’s like “shame she isn’t into horseback riding; riding horseback puts one above such riffraff concerns”
- Her profile picture is a horse. Like genuinely kind of delightful case of “for the woman who is a hammer/horse girl…”
- Does she have her shit together emotionally, or does she just have a thrifty but warm sense of interior decorating? (She’s just good at decorating.)
- Hm, probably not great that after several months of agonizing over trying to get my life back on track I’ve spent the last three weeks relapsing into sloth and scatterbrained reactivity and bad habits.
- In a perfect liminal state where I’m not catastrophically depressed and anxious and basically going insane, but I’m not really “good” or super in command of myself or my days, but just kind of placidly drifting. GIF of Coyote running off a cliff and looking around before plummeting, etc.
- My plan right now is some combination of hopefully finally getting on ADHD meds soon and making good use of the mental breakdown I inevitably have on my birthday in a few weeks.
- There’s a perfect ratio of being online that makes and keeps you sane. No one hits it exactly, but if you’re too far from it in either direction you get computer madness.
- New glasses Wednesday.
- “Hormones don’t do anything” 🙃
